Take Ownership

"When an arrow doesn’t hit its target, the marksman blames himself, not another person. A wise man behaves the same." – Confucius (from Tolstoy's "A Calendar of Wisdom")

Once upon a time, in my early forties, I was working at this mega tech company that, let's just say, everyone knows. I’d already climbed the ladder once and figured it was time for another rung, so I casually let my manager know, "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if I got promoted again?" He was all, "Maybe, sure, why not!"

Cue the year of hard work. I was deep in the trenches, cranking out deliverables like a caffeinated squirrel. Meanwhile, my male colleague was practically living outside our manager’s office, chatting about everything under the sun—golf, football, and March Madness. Every Monday morning was like a sports talk show episode recap. I half-expected them to whip out foam fingers at some point.

At one point, this colleague and I were on the same project team. Surprise, surprise, he was MIA on the contributions. His excuse? Busy with a "difficult" client. Now, I knew this client and had some intel to make things easier for him. So, being the team player I am, I fed him leads like a super spy. Yet somehow, those leads went nowhere, like socks in a dryer.

Fast forward to review time. I’d smashed my goals, got a team award, top numbers for the year—basically, I was the MVP. My manager tells me, "You did great, but no promotion. Budget issues, you just missed the cut." Really? Just missed the cut, huh? I asked what I could have done differently, and he was all, "Nothing, it's just budgets." Gave me a top score and some financial goodies as consolation.

A few weeks later, we’re in a team meeting, celebrating the promoted folks. I’m ready to cheer them on when—plot twist—my hangout buddy gets promoted! I was furious. Here’s me, a brown woman, working my tail off, while Mr. Golf Chat gets the nod. What did he deliver? Air golf swings and football stats?

I fumed. I blamed my manager, my colleague, the bromance, the whole shebang. Basically, I had a blame buffet going on.

I spent the next few years on the team fuming and feeling victimized! After some growth, reading Stoic Philosophy and therapy, epiphany! What I could have controlled was my reaction. I couldn't change the promotion, but I could change my narrative. I let go of the anger and learned from the Stoics: "It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters."

My cautionary tale of a middle-aged woman. I had the power to find strength and move forward but spent too long stuck in frustration and anger. Now, when life throws curveballs, I ask: What can I control? What action can I take? And I practice gratitude for the growth opportunities.

"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters."

I may have been treated unfairly or not, my failure was that I harbored anger and frustration vs taking control of my reaction.

Epictetus said, "The more you seek to control external events, the less control you will have over your own life."

I was trying to control the external events and in the process I lost control of my career the remaining year I was on the team I was stuck and not growing.

Marcus Aurelius said: "You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength."

This was a valuable and I am grateful that I know this now.

When something happens that I didn't expect, rather than be angry or ruminate on how unfair something is, I ask myself, What can I control? What action can I take? What story am I going to tell myself? And then, I practice gratitude for being given the opportunity to grow.

"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters"